Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
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you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
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he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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