Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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