We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
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As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
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I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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