Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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