My liver just broke up with me...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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