im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You made out with two different species that night
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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