fuck your aforementioned shoe
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
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You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
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It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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