My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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