: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
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All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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