omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize