and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
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Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize