It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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