This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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