I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I understand Curling. That high.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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