the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
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I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
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I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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