my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize