So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize