There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize