I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
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Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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