She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
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Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
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You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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