I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
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I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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