I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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