Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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