We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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