So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
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All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
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Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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