U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
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Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
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Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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