We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
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I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
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If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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