I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize