I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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