So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
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Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
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Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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