took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
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is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
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walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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