I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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