It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
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So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
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He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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