Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
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You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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