dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
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I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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