I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
17 year olds will be the death of me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize