I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
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remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
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She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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