is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
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Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
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Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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