Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
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It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
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Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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