rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize