The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
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