Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
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If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
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That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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