At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
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