I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
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so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
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I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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