im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
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I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
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She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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