Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i scared a bird with my dick
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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