I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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