I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
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Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
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if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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