dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
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It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
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i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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