I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
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this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
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It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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